Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
