it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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