I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
