I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
