Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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