You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
