Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
