Me. At least after what I've been through.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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