I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
