How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
