wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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