Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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