i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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