WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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