I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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