she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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