Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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