I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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