You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
