Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
