1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
