my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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