Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
