Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
