you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize