so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
