there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
