someone threw a dead crab at me
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
