my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
