PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
