We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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