I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
