ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
