Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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