how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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