I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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