How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
