So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
