Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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