It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
