I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
