How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
