I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
