I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
