Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize