I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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