So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
