I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
