So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize