Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
