Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize