Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I look better un-naked...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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