I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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