im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
