Too much gin, very little bucket
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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