Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
