Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
