bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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