i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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