Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
