I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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